Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Sorry For The Silence

I feel as though I need to apologize for the lack of posts lately. I realize that I don't "owe" anyone a post, but I also feel as though some of you (mainly my mom and dad) come to expect posts on a regular basis and I have left you all hanging for the past couple of days.

So I hope you accept this sincere apology! I AM SORRY FOR THE SILENCE!

But, at the same time, please tell me I am NOT the ONLY one who tends to withdraw when the funky funk rolls in... Bueller, Bueller?! Okay, maybe it's just me on that one...

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Lately I have been in a bit of a shweird funk and I can't seem to shake it. When I am "less than myself" the last thing I want to do is share with the world... I'd much rather cuddle with the pup, watch trashy TV and eat my feelings away. And there starts the downward cycle (or death spiral if you will)...

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It seems as though lately the issue has been surrounding body image (but, let's be real, isn't that normally what it surrounds?). It's like I eat something "unhealthy" or a bit "too much" of something and I beat myself up about it. I tear myself down and tell myself that "that is why..." (that is why I don't have the body I want, why I am not fast, why [dot dot dot] you fill in the blank... my mind does it all the time anyway). Then I withdraw because A. who wants to be around a lame/ sad/ frustrated Carlee and B. my inner dialog tells me that because I am [blank] I am not worthy of love, not good enough to hang out with, etc etc etc. When I pull back I tend to make bad food choices and the cycle continues.

And, now, instead of apologizing for the silence, maybe I should be apologizing for the over-sharing... I mean, I know we all have our junk and sometimes it is nice to know that you aren't alone or that others share your current mood/ feelings, but I also don't want to be a Debby Downer. I realize people stop here to get a boost, a shot of happiness and positivity, so this is NOT the post for that... But, #RealTalk, man, it can be hard and tiring being happy (for others) all of the time!

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Unfortunately for you, this blog is my little corner of the Interwebs to work through issues, and it's not always rainbows and butterflies... And you know what, I shouldn't have to apologize for that! It is life and I am real and I will not filter my feelings just because folks expect something else from me.  #SorryNotSorry

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So, although this isn't a happy-go-lucky post, I am hoping it strikes a cord with someone... Someone who needs to know they aren't fighting their battles on their own... We all have our own struggles, that's what makes us human! It's time we share our difficulties and stumbling blocks with those around us, have one another's backs and do this thing called life TOGETHER!

What demons are you battling lately?

11 comments:

hanzelboyzmama said...

Hang in there! I just finished half a bag of lays potato chips. So there's that. I'm injured and of course love food. Can't wait to train again.

selah said...

Oh my gosh, thank you so much for sharing this. I am struggling with the *exact* same problem and do the same thing. I even "know" what the answer is - my worth is not based on how I look or what I do but on Christ alone - but the feelings and the constant bombardment of the world's messages are overwhelming. So the cycle continues. How do you break out of the cycle? Are there any specific things you do?

Christina Cookson said...

I lost my grandmother almost exactly two months ago. She was my biggest cheerleader when it came to my running and my best friend. I struggle right now bc I used to chat with her daily (occasionally a couple times a day) about the littlest things. Race weekends are gonna be hard bc even though she lived 800 miles away we would always hash out my plan for the expo, race costumes, and everything in between.

Carleeh said...

I have been on that spiral for a little over a month now, I feel like my peppy positive self has been back burner ed by the realistic life isn't perfect sometimes we gotta be 100% honest to process Carleeh. I am done with feeling like I will lose followers for being me and living my life. I just want to be more worried about the reasons I am going through and getting on the other side of the funk junk. So many beautiful things come out of the dirt, I am glad you are on side where this is your space and you'll make a little mess and clean up later bandwagon. I saved ya a seat :)

Carleeh said...

I have been on that spiral for a little over a month now, I feel like my peppy positive self has been back burner ed by the realistic life isn't perfect sometimes we gotta be 100% honest to process Carleeh. I am done with feeling like I will lose followers for being me and living my life. I just want to be more worried about the reasons I am going through and getting on the other side of the funk junk. So many beautiful things come out of the dirt, I am glad you are on side where this is your space and you'll make a little mess and clean up later bandwagon. I saved ya a seat :)

Steffany Rubel said...

Been there. We all have. Take the time and do you. We will be here when you get back!

Knoxie13 said...

You definitely don't owe anyone an apology and so many of us understand what you're going through. I've been dealing with IT Band issues for over a month. I've logged less than 10 miles in March, put on a couple of pounds, and am overloaded with anxiety over Ragnar this weekend (worried both about the pain and my ability to keep my s*&t together for 36 hours). Sending much love your way, and maybe I'll see you out on the course!

Donna Marie Biggerstaff said...

I love LOVE your YOU... and I love that you are REAL!!! We all get funked up sometimes - hang in there girlfriend I think we're all in need of a little something something to start a spark ~ the in between winter ending and spring rolling in... We'll make it!

Jessie Price said...

Hi Carlee,
I've been following your blog and other social medias since the 2015 Disneyland-Half, and I really enjoy and admire your positivity and fun approach to exercise/health. I don't consider myself a runner, however, I do some races every year just to stay motivated. I struggle a lot with my body, and get very frustrated when my body doesn't look like what society tells me its supposed to look like. You help me to remember that no matter my outwards appearance, I am still worth it and I am still strong. I want to thank you for being so honest in this post. With society today, with constant sharing of content on the internet, its easy to be hard on ourselves if we don't fit a certain mold. This post really helped me to know that someone who is so active and athletic still has self-doubt and that its totally normal. And, I know that it will help the many people that you reach with your voice! Thank you for being brave and honest. Hang in there friend. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Xo, Jess

Erin said...

You're a beacon of light and positivity and bring so much good to the world. We all have shitty periods like this, an unfortunate part of being a human, but I guess just like during a race, good periods will return. :) Thanks for being so awesome. Many hugs!

Erin (runningruminations dot com/@ErinAMG)

Anne said...

Super-late comment (sorry, I make a habit of it because I am chronically behind on blog reading!) but I wanted to thank you for putting this out there. I struggle so much with this, and it's good to know that despite your continued positive outlook, you share those struggles. I am doing a "rest day" today (which for me = 1 hour of lighter cardio + yolates for 40 min or so...not everyone's true definition of a "rest day") and I struggle with the idea of "earning" my food. You know, dumb stuff, like thinking "I can't have that to eat because I haven't done enough activity / had enough steps / done enough" to *earn* that food. Whereas food should be a source of joy, and pleasure, and above all, *fuel* for my body and brain. I have to eat to live - and I have to eat well to live well! I hate that I have this mindset...and I am actively working on overcoming it...but it is hard. Those darned voices inside our heads! Hang in there - hope you are out of the funk by the time I catch up on your blog (:>) and know that you are NOT alone. Not by a long shot!