Friday, July 13, 2007

A Turning Point

Running. Grrrr. I have to say I am slightly, okay, more than slightly, FRUSTRATED with my knee. Last night I tried running and I think by the end of it I was walking with a hop (like looking like I was ‘running’ but actually going the pace of a walk). I had to come to a decision last night, whether or not I would keep running on my knee or not. It was a hard decision to come to, but I had to decide to take time off until my knee gets better. I realized that this is why I started so early, in case I got hurt or sick and needed to take some time off. What I am worried about is if I take time off, will I be able to start back up. I sure hope so. I also felt like I was letting myself and everyone else down. The reason I wanted to blog about my running goal in the first place was so that I would be kept accountable, and now it seems to have worked against me. I have this sort of guilt that I have to keep going because I have these people counting on me (I know, it is all in my head, I don’t think it really matters in the grand scheme of things if I can run in a half marathon or not, even though I was hoping to raise money and donate it to aids relief in Africa). I had so many thoughts running through my mind last night. I want to run. I want to have something of my own. I felt like this would be something I could do, to keep me busy, to keep me healthy, and now I can’t even do it. While I was going through my mini break down, I kept praying that I wanted to be like the many individuals in the Bible that Jesus said ‘Pick up your mat and walk, your faith has healed you.’ I thought of how cool it would be, to be able to tell that story and have it be my own story. I have never really prayed like that before. I don’t like ‘testing’ God. I have never prayed for God to take away my Fibromyalgia, even though I may pray in the moment to ease some of the pain. I got to thinking, why haven’t I ever prayed for that before? Maybe it is because I feel as though it is my cross to bear, maybe I really don’t have the faith to ask for it in confidence, maybe it is because I wouldn’t be able to use it as an excuse, I don’t know. I just really wanted to wake up this morning and be able to walk on my knee (right now it feels like there is no cartilage between my knee cap and my knee and it is just bone rubbing on bone, which makes me limp around for a couple days now). I wish I could say that this morning I woke up and ‘my faith had healed me’, but I can’t. I am still struggling to walk (and even icing my knee at work to try to alleviate the pain), but I have decided that not being able to run can’t consume me. I am not defined by what I can’t do, I want to be defined by what I can do, what I can bring to this broken world. So in conclusion (haha, that sounds like I am writing a piece for school), I am taking time off, time until my knee is back to 100%. I am also going to go out and get running shoes (I have some tennis shoes right now, but my dad reminded me that I need good running shoes, especially if I am serious about it). I will keep you updated and hopefully I will be back to running before I know it, but even if I am not, I will go on in life with a SMILE on my face and praising God.

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