Weekend

Sorry that I didn't post yesterday, I'm sure you are all so interested in my life that you are checking my blog hourly (ha, I doubt that, but anywho). I wasn't sure what I wanted to post yesterday so I thought I would take the day off. This weekend was a terrible one, and I didn't know how I would want to describe it, or if I even wanted to. Don't get me wrong, the weather was absolutely amazing, about 75, sunny and breazey the whole weekend, but the weekend consitsted of more than just the weather unfortunately. I just want to warn you before you read this, my thought process is not always the clearest, and therefore this may be confusing if you are not inside my head. So the whole week was sort of a mess, because Ryan and I were in a tiff (or at least I thought it was just a tiff). I had felt as though dating was a time to figure out if you wanted to marry someone, and 3 years into it I knew that I had made that decision (yes, for all of you out there that were un-sure, I love Ryan with all my heart and it would be an honor to spend the rest of my life with him). This idea has been tangled in my head for a while, and has caused me to say some hurtful things to Ryan. This all came to a head when I told Ryan I wasn't sure how much longer I would be willing to wait around for him, since I knew I wanted to be with him and his hesitation with marriage caused me to think he didn't love me as much as I love him. The idea of marriage is a great one, but has sort of been ramed down my throat by others. I am not saying that it is anyones fault, but I come from a background that people get married at a younger age. I have friends married, engaged, having kids, etc., so it is common conversation to ask, "Hey, you and Ryan have been together for a while, when is the big day". And I think with everyone asking questions like that it caused me to put some undue pressure on Ryan and I's relationship. Okay, so back to the story. Adam Gross was coming into town this past weekend, so I wasn't going to see Ryan. Ryan asked if he could come down and share some things that he had been thinking throughout the week before he picked Adam up from the airport Friday. I told him sure, but in my gut had a bad feeling about it. So Ryan and I went to Applebee's on Friday and he sort of dropped the bomb that I had been fearing. "I have been thinking that maybe we need a break, I don't know if you are the right one for me. You are my first girlfriend and I have had some curiosity of what else is out there for me." WOW. What a way to start off the weekend, right? So then we had some small talk for the rest of dinner and left it at that. We went back to my apartment, seeing that Adam had to take a later flight and it would have been silly for Ryan to drive back up to Carlsbad, just to turn around and drive back down to San Diego. We watched some tv and sort of just ignored everything. We talked before he left and was going to take the weekend to think things over. Well, there starts the weekend. So the rest of the weekend I try to go out and be active, using my new bike and riding around for hours at a time (anything to keep my mind off of it), but nothing seemed to be working. I just kept thinking about the past 3 years and how painful it would be to see them disappear. I have heard the whole 'Let's take a break' line before and I told Ryan that I wouldn't be able to do that, that if we took a 'break' it would be permanent, a forever sort of thing. So I get a call on Sunday, and my heart drops again. It's Ryan, and he asks if he can come by after he drops Adam off at the airport and go overa few more things. "Oh great, a few more things, just what I want to hear" is what I am thinking. This cannot be good. So Ryan came over, with a huge list of things to chat about, and we talked them over. I can say now, with confidence, that Ryan and I are still together, that we are working through things, and that hopefully our relationship can only keep improving from here. This weekend was not fun, in the least bit, but I guess hearing things like that never are - but it is extremely nice that Ryan and I are able to work through them and that hopefully it will only make our relationship stronger. I know this is probably all over the place, and that most of you are asking yourself, "What did I just read" and I'm sure once I re-read it I will probably try and make corrections, but I thought I would just fill you in on my life. It's not always fun, but it's real...