Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Not holding it in

I decided I don’t want to hold anything in anymore. What I mean by that is there are some feelings that I have been holding inside and not saying anything to people because I don’t want to be the confrontational one, I just want everyone to be happy. The problem with this is that when I allow others to keep going on around me and not letting them know if something bothers me, then it isn’t making everyone happy, it is actually making me UNhappy. I started today by sending a few emails to friends that I may have hurt in the past or may have hurt me in the past. I realized that people are not mind readers (surprising, huh?) and no matter how much I want them to just be able to tell that I am upset or hurt or jealous, they are not able to get into my psyche and see everything. I can’t hold in the feelings anymore, especially when I want genuine relationships – holding things back is making fake friendships and nothing of substance. I guess I am writing this incase you have gotten or get an email, card, letter, etc from me in the future that seems to be a fountain of my emotions. I do not mean to hurt anyone in this process and if I do, please let me know, but I feel as though I have continually been hurting myself by not speaking how I feel so I must stop. I have to be confrontational. I have to speak my mind, that’s why I have feelings and opinions, right, to voice them. Well, let’s see how this goes… Hopefully I build stronger relationships in the mean time (and don’t wreck any that I have currently) – wish me luck.

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